True story: A month ago I was walking in downtown Wellington when a guy who said he was from Aukland stopped me on the street to ask for directions to the Te Papa Museum.
Hmmm, I thought, he must think I'm a Kiwi even though I'm wearing a dark blue hoodie with "Englewood Beach Florida" stenciled across the front of it in bright white letters. Inordinately pleased that I had blended in so well, I nonetheless had to confess that I had no idea where the museum was because, like him, I was a stranger in the Kiwi capital. (I have long since discovered where the museum is and have visited it twice...)Anyway, that got me to thinking that New Zealanders can probably use a handy guide to spotting Yanks who might otherwise pass for Kiwis so I've come up with some tips for them to use. Here's what I've come up with so far... please feel free to send me any you can think of that I might have missed:
YANK
SPOTTING: Some Guidelines for Kiwis on how to recognize Americans traveling in New Zealand
You can spot
a Yank in New Zealand by following a few simple guidelines. For example,
he’s a Yank if:
He thinks a
Kea is a small car made in Korea.
He’s wearing
two t-shirts, a hoodie and a jacket on a day when most Kiwis are wearing shorts
and flip-flops.
He’s the guy
asking where the Burger King is while standing in front of a fish-and-chips
shop.
He thinks
bookstores are “quaint.”
He’s always
walking to the wrong side of the car whether he’s the driver or the passenger.
He thinks Kiwi
police cars look like taxi cabs and keeps trying to hail one.
He thinks
the All Blacks are an African team.
After two
hours of watching rugby he still doesn’t know who won.
He can’t
understand why netball players don’t shoot jump shots.
He looks to
the left when crossing the street and then to the right when he gets in the
middle of it.
He can’t
pronounce any of the Maori place names – and has a hard time with those that
are in English.
He can’t
understand why there’s instant replay in a televised darts match – or why darts
matches are televised in the first place.
He can’t
figure out if a Kiwi is a fruit, a bird, or someone from New Zealand.
He looks
completely baffled when someone asks him where he got that jumper.
He jumps
under the table during earthquakes measuring less than 8.0 on the Richter
scale.
He thinks
“good on ya” is a comment about his fashion sense.
He thinks
ginger beer is an alcoholic beverage and is disappointed when it doesn’t taste
like Corona.
He stays
inside when it’s raining.
He stays inside
when the wind is blowing 150 kph.
He doesn’t
know if 25 degrees Centigrade is warm, hot or cold.
He asks for
a pound of meat at the Countdown.
He wonders
why there’s a Prime Minister and a Governor-General.
He’s not
sure who the Queen is or what she has to do with New Zealand.
He thinks
Kiwis talk funny.
He can’t
understand why the Southerlies are colder than winds from the north.
He thinks
Russell Crowe is an Aussie.
He keeps
asking where the Hobbits live.
He’s not
sure if a Weta is a giant insect or if it has something to do with movies.
He keeps
looking for the “broil” setting when he turns on the oven.
He can’t
understand how runs are scored in cricket even when you explain it to him for
the tenth time.
He always
pays with a $20 because he can’t figure out the coins.
He breaks
into a cold sweat when he sees a roundabout.
He tips
waiters and waitresses.
He’ll be the
only one in a crowd wearing a fanny pack.
He has no
idea what EFTPOS means.
He gets into
a roundabout and keeps going round and round because he can’t seem to get out
of it.
He politely
declines when someone says “bugger me, mate” by explaining that he’s straight.
He keeps
taking pictures of sheep.
He doesn’t
know what minced meat is.
He thinks
Maori art is a little scary.
He pronounces "quay" as "key" or "kway" when everyone knows it's pronounced "kay."
Signs that give distances in kilometers don't help him a bit.
He's not sure what a litre is but he's pretty sure it's somewhat less than a gallon.
He pronounces "quay" as "key" or "kway" when everyone knows it's pronounced "kay."
Signs that give distances in kilometers don't help him a bit.
He's not sure what a litre is but he's pretty sure it's somewhat less than a gallon.
No comments:
Post a Comment